more than a year ago...

this resurrected from an old and terrible blog

"seems silly, but i wonder now what opportunities are going to occur to me later on that i missed. because it seems a lot of the time that the opportuntities that you do end up missing whizz past you at the speed of sound without you even being more than peripherally aware of them at that moment...or maybe you feel this vague nagging sensation, like when you feel you've been jacked into some subliminal message, you know its there but you can't be sure. this is all very rambly.

i think i am more likely to regret things i have done than things i havent. emily sent me an email this evening called purple hats, and normally i hate those pep-you-up-make-you-more-aware-of-what-you-should-really-care-about sort of emails, but this one for some reason seemed less trite. i can relate to not using things because they are too pretty to use... the question is do you use it anyway because of the pleasure that gives, or do you leave it alone for the pleasure -that- gives... it's actually quite nice to have a boxful of lovely new pencils, but would it in fact be nicer to have a lovely collection of drawings done with said pencils... along with crappy ones too to be fair. but its like theres this fear of not doing anything 'worth' the expenditure of the loveliness of the untouched pencils... like what if it's totally crap, then you dont have anything worth anything that gives you any happiness...

god this is a waste of time, and not making sense at all. even i can tell that.i want to be naturally funny and naturally happy... a generally well-disposed sort of biped who makes life fun and good and maybe even better for some people.but then again, the selfish thing says how do you know if you've made them happy, dont you need to have them tell you in order to feel happy that you have made them feel happy -- shouldnt you just be happy for no reason thinking you have made them happy or at least tried to, that should be enough. but no.

like killing yourself. whats the point unless you can hang around afterwards seeing how much people cared about you when you didnt even know ...how pathetic. do other people think this way?

i want to be funkier. i want some platform mary janes, some knee high lolita socks, a jumper like dora's in loser... i want to be her. i want to be thin, i want to collect honey sachets, i want to be cute and appealing and have funky hair and a sweet expression...i just feel so BORING i bore myself if not other people and if i cant even be interesting at some point to myself then really what it the point.this is hard i havent felt this temptation for a while. blades and flesh and redness. sigh. totally unlikely to happen at all, but the feeling is there, that little poisonous part of my brain trying to tell me that its a good idea.

sigh.

~nevermind"

odd, and sad, and still so relevant. which is in itself odd, and sad.

to cheer you up, here is a picture of my baby, my sweetness, the kitten pie Tosca.