... sounds like "repression"

so what's been happening in fionaland...

well. lots and little at the same time. it was my birthday not long ago (which was totally shit cos i was sick and miserable), and had the party last friday night at the nude bar in the aussie youth hotel. which was cool, very nice venue, lots of plush leather chaise lounges and studded armchairs and the like. ali went crazy with presents and cake, and evnike and james gave me a great digital camera, so that was good. adam took me to see the harvard kroks, and warren bought me a very nice fountain pen. so a good birthday event, if not the day itself.

it's been raining for probably a week now. and it's making me very short tempered and unhappy. which is silly, and i try to keep a lid on it, but i can feel the cranky sort of surfacing behind my eyeballs somewhere. i think partly it's that there are only a certain number of fun things to do when it's grey and raining.

1. read in bed/nap constantly. well, been doing plenty of the latter lately, that's for sure. the downside being i don't eat properly, don't get any exercise, and don't clean the increasingly messy house.
2. have showers. again, been doing that a lot. but, then there's the fact that our bathroom doesn't have a ceiling fan in it to take the steam away, so that when you're not actually in the shower the walls are constantly cold and damp. so the paint's mouldy and peeling, and it's not a nice venue for a shower. i dream of clean white tiles, and a sunken bath, and stainless steel taps...
3. watch movies while rugged up on the couch with Sig Oth. *sigh. you would think this was the easy one. but part of my cranky means that i am much more jumpy and irritable about being touched, which is highly counter-intuitive and means i just get more miserable. plus, we don't spend many nights together, really, and there's not much on telly, and we only go to the video shop on some thursdays... ah me, oh my, what a silly situation.

it's really bugging me, this constant being bugged. to the point of developing some really rash countermeasures that are not great habits to be in. like, eating out all the time. or not eating. or eating too much. not reading, that has been a big and unusual thing recently too. normally i am the devourer of books, but not lately. though i started reading tim flannery's the weather makers and am most of the way through that in a couple of days. however, not the ideal pick-me-up choice in literary gustatory appetites, given it's alarming and apocalyptic subject matter.

see. just a big whinger. and anyone who thinks otherwise is being optimistic.

i want to crawl inside my favourite movies and just sort of hang about. or shave my head. or do something radical. the blade temptation isn't so much there, but the food control and exercise ones are both looming. i need to figure out some exercise regime that will get me out of bed at 6am every day, but that doesn't involve anything but myself, or common household items. i could use adam's weights, but that's the only 'home gym' type stuff we have around the place.

ali, please, if you read this, email me some such regime!

i am kinda desperate at the moment, and i don't know why or what for. i don't think i am hugely unhappy, but the speed of weeks is sort of freaking me out right now, and i want to travel for the same reasons everyone does (i think it will make me more interesting, to myself and other people, even though i know this is not necessarily true...)

i also want to be somewhere that makes use of whatever talents of latencies i have in a useful way. like helping kids build schools in new guinea or something. it would give me some perspective. i just don't know how to hook into these sorts of things.

my job is going well, though the last week was a bust because of being boringly free of people. mainly my boss, i miss him. he is a good boss and he makes you feel invigorated. left to my own devices (in the total absence of other people i mean) i seem to plateau much more readily.

this is starting to sound like depression. boo.

ah, boring boring whinger that i am.

~se fin

more than a year ago...

this resurrected from an old and terrible blog

"seems silly, but i wonder now what opportunities are going to occur to me later on that i missed. because it seems a lot of the time that the opportuntities that you do end up missing whizz past you at the speed of sound without you even being more than peripherally aware of them at that moment...or maybe you feel this vague nagging sensation, like when you feel you've been jacked into some subliminal message, you know its there but you can't be sure. this is all very rambly.

i think i am more likely to regret things i have done than things i havent. emily sent me an email this evening called purple hats, and normally i hate those pep-you-up-make-you-more-aware-of-what-you-should-really-care-about sort of emails, but this one for some reason seemed less trite. i can relate to not using things because they are too pretty to use... the question is do you use it anyway because of the pleasure that gives, or do you leave it alone for the pleasure -that- gives... it's actually quite nice to have a boxful of lovely new pencils, but would it in fact be nicer to have a lovely collection of drawings done with said pencils... along with crappy ones too to be fair. but its like theres this fear of not doing anything 'worth' the expenditure of the loveliness of the untouched pencils... like what if it's totally crap, then you dont have anything worth anything that gives you any happiness...

god this is a waste of time, and not making sense at all. even i can tell that.i want to be naturally funny and naturally happy... a generally well-disposed sort of biped who makes life fun and good and maybe even better for some people.but then again, the selfish thing says how do you know if you've made them happy, dont you need to have them tell you in order to feel happy that you have made them feel happy -- shouldnt you just be happy for no reason thinking you have made them happy or at least tried to, that should be enough. but no.

like killing yourself. whats the point unless you can hang around afterwards seeing how much people cared about you when you didnt even know ...how pathetic. do other people think this way?

i want to be funkier. i want some platform mary janes, some knee high lolita socks, a jumper like dora's in loser... i want to be her. i want to be thin, i want to collect honey sachets, i want to be cute and appealing and have funky hair and a sweet expression...i just feel so BORING i bore myself if not other people and if i cant even be interesting at some point to myself then really what it the point.this is hard i havent felt this temptation for a while. blades and flesh and redness. sigh. totally unlikely to happen at all, but the feeling is there, that little poisonous part of my brain trying to tell me that its a good idea.

sigh.

~nevermind"

odd, and sad, and still so relevant. which is in itself odd, and sad.

to cheer you up, here is a picture of my baby, my sweetness, the kitten pie Tosca.